It was on a Sunday afternoon....

1986

"Hey Michele...." I spoke rather softly to my sister hearing the labored breathing of my father over the phone line. "How are things?"

"Well we are waiting..." She left what we were all thinking about unsaid.

"Is he having trouble breathing?" I asked as his breathing was loudly coming over the phone line and my heart was thumping inside me, anticipating the separation that i knew to be closer than I cared to believe.

"He's breathing loudly, he's not really struggling...but he's not doing well..." I already knew the answer before she said anything. I knew it was probably the day we would lose him. I wished I could be sitting in the room with them and I was thankful I wasn't sitting there with them!

A Year Ago...

Easter 1986

No one ever tells you what it feels like to loose a parent. No one says what loss and death bring into the life of those of us still living. We never stop to think that death touches us all because death is as Universal as birth. And no one ever tells you the grief that follows the end of a relationship. I am not thankful that my relationship with my father has ended, but I am thankful for the lesson that I have learned about this intimacy that exists with humanity and death, no matter how much we try to pretend it doesn't. I will never forget how important time is, how fleeting, how easily we become lax and forgetful. I will never again down play the importance of the gospel, because I have seen it rejected at the end of the path. I will also never forget that "as long as there is life, there is hope." I know my life has not been marked by separations, but this loss was/is still the most devastating to me personally. Loving someone who was unwilling to flee to Him and being helpless can really put life into prespective. I don't enjoy my education into the world of death and loss, but I am thankful to no longer be personally ignorant to the far reaching effects our choices of sin make not just on this life, but into the next as well. My father has taught me much at the close of this relationship which I know has and will have far reaching effects into the future of my life and the lives of those that I go through this life with. I pray that the Lord will continue to redeem this sorrow in my life and even when I cannot be thankful for the eternal loss of this love, I hope that it will bring glory to Him all the same.

D.M.B
1948-2010

He Gives and He Takes Away

Through this sorrow I have been learning many things. The most important of which is that God is sovereign and we are responsible for our own actions apart from the cross. It has been especially hard knowing that my own father spurned the truth of the gospel, even at the end, in favor of his own pride. Yet, our God is still a good God. He does not desire that we spurn his offers of salvation, He continually (in many lives) reaches out the truth toward us and yet because of His character "God resists the proud, but give grace to the humble" (1 Peter 5). I have had to remember so much of His character these last several weeks as we first knew the time was near, but then we knew that Hope was no longer necessary. His character is what has allowed me to remember that no matter the choices that my father made, no matter how little concern he had for his own soul, God is always loving and faithful, just and pure. I say that not because I ever doubted the character of God, but because I realize the nature of a human life that rebels continually against their creator. I understand, while I am still deeply sorrowed by it, that God cannot allow us to go our own way. This has encouraged me, even while tears have been present.

A Few Memories.....

With His mother Summer 2009.

Not the best of everyone, but we will take what we can get!

With Petra and an old Friend from Alaska

days at my sister's wedding 2009.

With My grammy at my wedding.

 My Wedding 2003.

 His entire side of the family including his parents, 1999.

Chatanika River, Alaska 1991 or 92.

1982.

 Easter 1986.

Christmas 1982.

In memory of DMB

1948-2010

God Is Crying Out To You!

Death comes to all of us. Because each of us sin we are consigned to what sin brought to us....death. The gospel is the only triumph over death. We must be mindful that we MUST have an eternal mind set! An eternal vision! Apart from the gospel, we have no vision but one of this earth and this life. God is crying out to you to trust in the saving Work of Christ, I am pleading with you, just as Mr. Washer reminds us that Paul does the same thing, Turn to HIM! Where is your hope apart from Christ?

Learning About Loss--Reposting

As many of you know my grandfather died friday May 18th, 2007. Although not a surprise, as he was seriously ill, it is never easy to loose a person whose life has impacted and touched your own. I am tempted therefore to run down a list of things that marked or remind me of his life. I say tempted because the purpose of our lives is not to run over and over the list of our accomplishments, the lives we have touched, or even the things we valued. The purpose of our lives is to reflect the nature of our great and glorious Savior and to boast only in His accomplished work. My grandfather was a good man, but I want to see Christ in this end to his life. I desire in my heart, that is acutely regretful, to see my Lord in the action of my grandpa's life and in the action of his death. I admit that it is hard for me to see His glory in the lost life of my grandfather because I do not know if he trusted in Christ for his righteousness (even knowing how sweet he was to me). But if he did not trust Christ, where in this loss do I encounter the One who changed me and my life? And where can I point to His glory and His grace? Even if I take myself out of the equation, where does anyone encounter the Savior in this act?
Unfortunately, I have no pat answer for my own question. All I know is that God is sovereign and my own confusion in this experience is under His omniscient control. I know a few things though. I know how much I love and value my mother and father. I know how much my sister's souls are of importance to me. I desire for my family to encounter their own mortality and--at that reality-- rely on the sweet and providential mercy of Christ. I know now how much I don't really know and how much faith is involved in losing someone you love dearly and whose life touched your heart. I cling now to the Lord who knows all things, sees all things, and directs all things since only He knows how this action works to reflect His glory and how this life that was lost will and continues to honor Him alone. I never understood before that loss, no matter how anticipated it may be, is never easy. This is hard, this not knowing.

"7 The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul;the testimony of the Lord is sure,making wise the simple;8 the precepts of the Lord are right,rejoicing the heart;the commandment of the Lord is pure,enlightening the eyes;9 the fear of the Lord is clean,enduring forever;the rules of the Lord are true,and righteous altogether.10 More to be desired are they than gold,even much fine gold;sweeter also than honeyand drippings of the honeycomb.11 Moreover, by them is your servant warned;in keeping them there is great reward." Psalm 19:7-11.