So I went back to the hospital again today, after a horrendous weekend, a three day headache (which wasn't a migraine according to the doctor) which just finally let up, serious pains in nearly every part of my body (except my calves and feet), nausea and dizziness. But it seems that there is nothing wrong with me. I feel like such a complete idiot every time I go to the doctor. Seriously things could be worse, I know that, but I cannot stop desiring some relief.
One thing I am more aware of then ever is, that even though these highly trained, highly educated people cannot find something wrong with me--God Knows and He isn't simply watching it happen, He is active and moving. I am such a weak and disposable little being. My life is chaff, it will wither very unnoticably and blow away. How weak and unsearchable these human bodies of ours are and how all powerful that makes my God become in my own eyes, more glorious.
No matter what--He has ordained this struggle and this pain, this will be good for my soul in the long run to reveal the deep depravity of my heart yet known to me (like self sacrifice and patience and long suffering all of which I do not particularly excel at) and crusify this flesh furthur. Confession is the action of the hour, minute, second because it seems this heat is bringing many bubbles boiling to the top. I am still so very, very weak in many areas. Here are just a few....
Honestly I am heartily disappointed in myself....but to look upon the cross....
He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. 14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled. (Hebrews 12:10b-15.)
