I am Still Such A Sinner

Yesterday morning I was wrestling my boys back into the car after a tumultuous grocery trip (although most of them are tumultuous). I happened to look across the parking lot as I was half pushing half throwing my youngest son into his seat, it is hard to get little people straped in. I glanced at this lady coming across the parking lot with her two very quiet and well behaved children, perfectly coifed and at ease. In the time it took me to convince gresham that yes, he really has to buckle the chest strap, the lady had easily loaded her two children, her groceries and was driving away. At that same moment I noticed that the car next to me was attempting to back out over my cart, with my baby still aboard and a walmart associate was flying to my rescue! Jeese, Could I be more glaringly "NOT IN CONTROL??"

As I buckled into my seat, wishing more then anything that I could be as calm, cool and collected as that woman all the time and that my children would be easy to strap into the vehicle. I suddenly realized how covetous I was. Not only did I desire to have what another person did "an appearance of unconcern" but I wanted to have perfectly coifed hair and neat, tidy clothes. In place of my crazy flat hair and my rumpled attire. I was suddenly that silly little girl begging to play with my friends toy, covetous down to my core. And not only that I wanted to be what that woman seemed to me--simply because I wanted others to look at me and be covetous at the same time!

My children have been chided of late because of their hearts of discontent and jealousy, especially with the Christmas holidays, and yet I am no better. Still I am clinging to the very first vestages of Grace that saved me from the wrath of God. I am still confessing my base core. I am still struggling to be contented in the place the Lord has me, a mom to three active boys and a new baby. I am still so humbled, I haven't been allowed to get puffed up with my own importance and I am so BLESSED not to be what I desire to be. I know now that if God gave me the desire of my heart at that moment it would not be a good thing for me. My heart would be turned away from the cross and toward myself.

We are all like this in some way, are we not? We have a perception, wheather it is true or not remains to be seen, and we desire what it is we see. We want it not just because we think it is good, but because we want others to think we are good. We are those dirty little children who always fight over the last bit of candy. We want what we percieve to be the "Best". And yet God has not withheld any good thing from me! He gave me His son, why should I doubt He would give anything up for me or He wouldn't go to any length to protect me......even from myself?

I have the best of things and yet I am still such a beggar for mercy!