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Those of you who know us more intimately know that the school where Will teaches bible is facing an economic crisis because of the downturn in our national economy. This means that for the second time in two years we are facing job loss.... here are some of my thoughts on this issue....

I am learning a lot about myself from the last two years. Amazingly, I am learning the same lesson in two ways. This uncertainty is much easier to bear, than the last one; where it was so ugly and brutal and ungodly (especially coming from the "church") this is just life. Businesses fail in the real world, people loose their jobs, babies get sick, parents get tired, things just don't work out. This fallen world is hard, I must admit, but this is a touch easier to bear because it isn't about my faith directly. This isn't because we want to obey God first. This is just life.

But then talking to a family member over the holiday made me wonder. She said "ever since you wanted to be a missionary." And it made me think, is that really your perception of my life? I chose to follow God's call to obedience in making disciples of all nations and that ruined my life?! Really?! My eyes were like ones who had never really seen before, opened for the first time on to what the world must view when they look upon my life. Not just a train wreck, not just a mess that no one would ever want (Not even with blessings like the kids), but a life that chose to follow Christ and therefore failed miserably. But did it?! I mean is my life really a train wreck?!

I don't see my life as a failure! I fail everyday to be a good wife, mother, follower, friend, person! I was a failure before these things every "happened" in my life. I see my life as a triumph--not my triumph, but His! I see the wickedness of sin being trounced in my mind and heart. I see my desire to love on a church and her peoples and encouraging them to love the savior and testify to Him before men as a triumph for a very unambitious woman to actually stand by the truth of the gospel! I see the desire to yell and scream and avenge myself on the "church", who placed my beautiful children homeless, being stopped dead as a victory! I see the fight to stop a homosexual pastor from speaking at a "christian fellowship activity" in college as courage in the face of utter loneliness! I see the fear of pregnancy being overcome by Love for Life, because His creation is precious as a vision of glory! I see the fact that my children are clothed, housed, fed, healthy,happy and loving one another as a miracle in the face not knowing where money will come from and yet it always is there! I see a heart that couldn't care even a tiny bit about anyone save itself, growing and expanding to care about people who have never been kind to it or even seen and loving more and more the children under that heart's care as a total and unequivocal transformation! I see the worst moment of my life; the hatred of the church who despised Christ and us as a Mountain Top experience where I truly had "fellowship in His sufferings" when I felt in my body the cost of the Gospel not just for Him but for me too! I see a life that looks nothing like the old dead corpse it once was! But I also see how if one doesn't believe in the gospel completely that one would not understand another person's allowing their entire life to be colored by the person and work of Christ!

Many people see my life as a waste of potential, dreams and ability. I can tell by the look in their eyes and by the "advice" we often get from people who think they know how things are. The way we can tell that people think we are really the problem and so I started re-reading Job, just to get some perspective (because I often get to navel gazing and only see my life). I Got what I asked for. My hardships are nothing in comparison, but my feelings and reactions to the mess that is my life and the response of others to that mess is very similar.

I still fight feelings of bitterness that rise within me because of the church in Missouri and how their actions sent us into this tailspin (and not just us but two other pastors and their families). And I still fight anger against our sovereign God, who is in control and allowed and still allows all these things in my life. I can get my head around the idea of God orchestrating all things for my good, but I cannot always join that with a reality that is acceptable to my flesh. I can honestly say I feel like an alien in my own home! This world affords little of allure for me in my more wise moments and in my sinful moments I wonder if this struggle is really worth the price I am paying, the cost is so high! But can I expect for something that Cost Him His Son, to be cost free for me?!

So we wait and wonder. What will the waves of life bring to our shores tomorrow, next month or next year?

I don't know.

But the One, at whose perfect life I look at in place of my own, has all the answers! So I don't need to know about more than today.